New Year, Old Prayer, Continuing Desire

When you come across old prayers and realize you still want to live out that same thing.
Written December 31, 2014

In a few hours, it begins.  "It" being the start of something entirely new, and no, I don't just mean a new year.  In a few hours, well actually I've already started the process, I will be surrendering my life to God in a whole new way.  I'm letting go - of control, of people pleasing, of the desire for human approval.  You see, I'm being made new this year.  I'm dedicating all that I am and all that I'll be to my Lord and Savior.  I'm re-finding my first love.

This is the year I jump in with two feet, despite the fact that one is still in a cast.  This is the year I find my self-worth.  No, it's not in a new diet.  It's not in a new marathon record.  It's not even in finishing a novel.  My self-worth is in Christ, and He thinks I am just marvelous and beautiful the way I am.  He loves me despite my shortcomings.  He's even willing to be the strength in my shortcomings.  His love has changed me and is continuing to change me.

I have nothing to offer Him but my very life.  My goals, my desires, my aspirations.  And that is what this year, for me, is all about.  Wherever He leads, I'll go, and I'll carry with me a heart full of love.

No more, "Woe is me."  This year, Lord, HERE I AM.  SEND ME.

2015 New Year's Resolutions 

(I think for 2016, I'll just keep working towards these):

1. Let the Spirit lead me, not the flesh.

2. Stop overthinking and simply do.  Stop overthinking and simply love.

3. Expect miracles. Believe in miracles. Witness miracles.

4. Stop chasing my dreams and start chasing God's dreams.

5. Align my will with the will of the Father.

6. Stop being "strong" and place my weaknesses at the foot of the cross.

7. Replace the idol of human approval with a desire for God's approval.

8. Cherish quiet times and take them to heart.

9. Live in the moment, not the past or the future.  Wherever I am, be ALL there.

10. Don't let the things I don't have steal my joy.

11. Wait with patience and hope for God's timing.

12. Don't wait to have "true love" before truly loving.

13. Find contentment in Christ alone.

14. Plant the Word deep within my heart by memorizing and living out Scripture.

15. Let go of what I cling to so that God can work.

16. Stop being a people pleaser and start being a people lover.

17. Listen more.  Speak less.

18. Hear what others are saying.  Don't drown their words with my thoughts.

19. Communicate my true feelings and stop faking them to appease others.

20. Talk TO people, not AT them.

21. Stop living a life of checklists, rules, and schedules.

22. Find my value in the One who created me.

23. Give my heart fully to the One who created me.

24. Find a spiritual mentor.

25. Find a woman of God older than me to pray with and for.

26. Challenge my spiritual mentee to be more than ordinary.

27. Practice hospitality.  Welcome guests into my home.

28. Seek out the last, the lost, and the least.

29. Work harder.  Complain less.

30. Journey into nature and pause to take in its beauty.

31. Take the Sabbath for what it is and actually REST!

32. Plug into a Sunday School class and/or small group.

33. Minimize phone time and focus on real people.

34. Learn to pray with absolute faith and reckless abandon.

35. Hold nothing back when it comes to my God.

36. Lift my hands in worship.

37. Let go of my control so that God can perform miracles.

38. Love with all that I am, expecting nothing in return.

39. Climb mountains to pray.

40. Experience a sunrise on the mountaintop.

41. Spend a weekend in nature, worshipping around the fire and glorifying God's name.

42. Have Saturday morning breakfasts and prayers with friends and family.

43. Help shoulder the burdens of my friends.

44. Be more than a roommate.  Actually do life with my roommate.

45. Carry the light of Christ in my heart, eyes, and smile.

46. Use my artistic talents for God's kingdom.  Don't let them rust.

47. Wear the armor of God daily so that Satan's attacks are futile.

48. Use my money for the kingdom's purposes.

49. Make a bigger effort to know and love my brothers and sisters at church.

50. Keep in constant contact with old friends.

51. Reconnect with friends with whom I've lost touch.

52. Step out of my comfort zone without hesitation when God calls.

53. Do something radical for someone that leads them to the foot of the cross.

54. Learn new skills for the kingdom's purposes.

55. Rid my life of excess and clutter.

56. Have devotion/prayer time before work.

57. Help those without a family find a sense of family.

58. Help my best friend prepare for her homeless ministry.

59. Let my coaching time be for God's glory.

60. Live above circumstances.  Mountain high or valley low, praise God!

61. Make someone else's life just a little easier, even if it's uncomfortable to me.

62. Make time to see my brother and his family at least once a month.

63. Write often.

64. Serve weekly.

65. Find new places to serve.

66. Strengthen my Spanish for kingdom purposes.

67. Share the story of the gospel near and far.

68. Return to my first love, and find a passion for Him that is contagious.

69. Pray thoroughly and consistently for my Compassion kids.

70. Pray thoroughly and consistently when decision making.

71. Pray thoroughly and consistently in day-to-day life.

72. Pray for the world (all the countries by name).

73. Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is holy, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

74. Seek first the kingdom of God.

75. Pour out love and living water beyond what makes sense.

76. Believe in the impossible.

77. Don't patch over pain.  Cry out to God.  Shed tears.

78. Take care of my body for God, not self-image problems.

79. Don't stay cooped up inside.  Be where people are.

80. Refuel with Jesus - nothing else.

81. Stay positive.  Remember perspective.

82. Stop overanalyzing people's words and actions. 

83. Greet and leave people with a hug.

84. Show my students a real example of a Christ follower.

85. Help my students prepare for the future.

86. Be spontaneous and surprise people for no reason other than to spread a smile.

87. Be an encourager.  Speak life, compliments, kindness, and love.

88. Make sacrifices for love.

89. Set aside differences and let love shine.

90. Exercise to be equipped for kingdom purposes.

91. Learn to walk away from unhealthy situations while still showing love.

92. Pray for my best friend and her ministry in Costa Rica.

93. Pray constantly for fire to burn in Joel's heart so that God can use him to set the world ablaze for Christ.

94. Pray for Joel's family and a daily increase in their love for God.

95. Pray constantly for my family's faith.

96. Pray that God will send out workers to do His kingdom's work.

97. Carry my cross daily.  Be made new daily.

98. Write out my prayers.

99. Learn that love conquers all.

100. Keep a prayer/spiritual journal.

No Matter What the Future Holds, We Have God

Life doesn't always turn out the way we want, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  It took me a long time to realize that.  Being such an imaginative person, I've always had a tendency to let my imagination rule my future.  What I mean by that is I would plan out my future in these elaborate ways, and in doing so, I was never quite content with where my future fell.  When my imagined future became my real life present, I would always find myself in the midst of disappointment.  The crazy thing, though, is that my imagined future was never as great as the future that God had planned for me, but still, I was not happy with it.  I simply refused to accept what God had planned because I wanted what I wanted, nothing more and nothing less.  Pretty selfish, huh?

Well, through time and a great deal of maturity, I've started to see how letting go of those selfish expectations and future imaginings can lead into a life of adventure and true thankfulness.  I'm sitting here right now, nowhere close to the place I thought I'd be at my age, and I'm thankful for that.  I'm thankful for the route my life has taken to get me from the person I used to be to the person I am today.  I'm thankful for the future that God planned for me so long ago and the future He continues to plan for my life.  But, I'm also thankful for my present, something that is very easy to lose sight of when one obsesses over the future inside of one's own imagination.

Last year, around this time, I had surgery on my ankle, and I hated it.  I hated being still.  I hated being trapped, feeling trapped.  I hated not being able to run, to compete, to be in the middle of everything going on.  I hated being such a hassle for everyone.  I hated feeling weak, and I hated losing my ability to be independent.  But, God smoothed out a lot of the rough edges in my heart during that timeframe.  He taught me just how independent I was, even in terms of my faith.  I was planning out my life, claiming I wanted God to be the biggest part of me, yet I was refusing Him a place in my planning process.  My life was void of faith and totally about my own works.  Through that time, I began to refocus.  I let go of my own hopes and dreams, and I started hoping and dreaming with God.  I started living in the present and trusting that God was enough for me in each and every moment.  No matter what the future brought, I had God, and nothing else mattered.

Of course, as my life became more normal again, my independent nature returned, and I found my old imagined goals and dreams resurfacing.  Pride and selfishness started to creep back into my heart, and I found myself wanting once again what I wanted, nothing more and nothing less, whether or not that was what God wanted for me.  My present began to grow clouded by my imagined future successes.  My full focus went from glorifying God in all things to figuring out how I could become more popular and successful as a writer.  It went from pouring God's love into other people to seeing how fast I could get back into marathoning.  Don't get me wrong.  I do believe that God has placed the desires for writing and running in my heart, but apart from him, those two things are meaningless.  I have no purpose as a writer the moment I forget the One who wrote my own life story.  I have no purpose as a runner the moment I forget the One who runs before me, beside me and behind me.

More and more, I'm learning that perfection and achieving goals are not the sources of my greatest testimony.  My greatest testimony comes in the moments of my greatest weaknesses, the moments where I literally have nothing to cling to but God.  The moments that don't make sense in my human understanding.  The injuries, the losses, the tragedies, the pains, the sicknesses, the stories of despair.  Those are the moments where I let go and surrender with all that I am to God because those are the moments in which I know I cannot do this life on my own.

So, sure, in my imaginative planning for my life, I would not have planned out a second ankle surgery.  I would not have planned out a lot of things.  But, I know that God's plans for my life far surpass my own.  I also know that God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  So like Paul, my response to whatever trials come my way is this: "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7)

But also, in my imaginative planning for my life, I would not have been able to plan out all the incredibly overwhelming blessings and gifts that God has given to me.  When I take a moment to stop and count my blessings, I realize that it would take all of eternity for me to thank God for all that He's done for me, and I realize that my greatest testimony does not come in my moments of weakness alone; it also comes in my moments of thanksgiving.  It comes in all the moments in which my sight is on God, not me.

I say all of this as an encouragement to you, reader.  We tend to fear the unknown because we like to know all the answers, which is why it's so easy for us to plan out our own futures and neglect God in the process of that.  But, what do we really have to fear in the future?  Why do we really need to mentally plan it all out and feel disappointed when things don't go our way?  No matter what the future brings, no matter what hardships or great blessings come our way, the future will be good because no matter what the future holds, we have God.  That in itself is enough to be thankful for every single day of our lives.  But even then, God gives us so much more than just Himself.  He surrounds us with blessings, day in and day out.  In the midst of our hardest times, if we just looked around, we'd see that He's constantly showering us with many great things.  In the midst of our greatest moments, if we just looked up, we'd see that our Heavenly Father loves us so much more than we could ever imagine.

Maybe your life isn't turning out the way you want.  Maybe your plans are constantly be trampled upon.  Maybe your like I used to be, where you get disappointed when your plans turn out different from what you expect (even if they're better than what you expected).  But maybe, just maybe, there are plans so much bigger than those plans that you've made for yourself.  Maybe there's an adventure waiting at your door, and all you have to do is wake up and step into that adventure, knowing that every step of the way, you have a loving Father's hand to hold.  That's where a life of true thanksgiving begins despite the surrounding circumstances; that's the abundant life we were called to.

A Shift of Focus

I don't know if it is just me or not, but it seems that social media becomes more and more discouraging and argumentative by the day, and with this generation being consumed by social media, people are becoming more and more discouraging and argumentative by the day. What could be an opportunity to spread love, to show grace, to live in harmony with one another is instead a common source of dissension. Negativity and snide remarks are constant, and sadly, the one who is tainted is not the one who is producing the words. It is God's name that suffers when we fail to represent Him. As Christians, we are supposed to be the hands and feet of Christ. We are supposed to go out into the dark world and shine light. But how can we shine light if all we do is add to the darkness?

I say this because I believe the Body of Christ has a powerful potential that is too often shrugged aside. It breaks my heart to see people turned away from God by those who claim to be His children. Believers become Atheists. Churches split. The list goes on.

Why do we try so hard to tear each other apart? Jesus says, "If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand" (Mark 3:24). Is that what we want for His church, to collapse it? We sure act like it sometimes. But we are here for one purpose. The church is here for one purpose. Until we see that, God is not going to receive the glory He so deserves.

We need to see each other not as competitors, but as brothers and sisters united by Christ. Sure, we're all different and we may not all see eye-to-eye on all things, but if we quit focusing on our differences and began focusing on Christ working within each other, I think we would be much more likely to act as the Body of Christ. The words we say would not be aimed to cut one another down; they would be carefully chosen to build one another up. Rebuking would be done in gentleness. It would not be a means for judgement but an opportunity to humble ourselves and help someone else overcome the sin that entangles him/her (while they could come alongside us and do the same - true accountability).

Pointing fingers does no good. Instead, maybe we should consider going alongside our brothers and sisters and helping them carry their burdens. We're not meant to go at this life alone so we need to stop making each other feel all alone in this world. When we see our brothers and sisters falling, that is not a signal to attack. It is a signal for us to "get up" as Jesus so often said and pull them back to their feet. The change we wish to see in the church might just happen then. The Body of Christ would overflow with love and grace, and destructive criticism would be replaced by constructive criticism (the two are quite different). We would become quick to listen (genuinely carrying for others), slow to speak and slow to become angry (less self-absorbed) like we are told to be in James 1:19.

So, if we want to see God's name made famous, if we want to see our brothers and sisters lifted up, if we want to see non-believers come to Christ, we must not forget this: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35).

Patience Isn't Waiting

At night, I let my knees hit the floor and I bow my head in prayer.  I pray for the people in poverty in Africa.  I pray for the lost people in England.  I pray for that broken person who I walk by every day.  I pray for opportunities.

In the morning, I open my bible and read.  I read about people in poverty.  I read about lost people.  I read about broken people.  I read about opportunities.

It is crazy how blind I have been all these years.  I keep waiting for God to reach down and take me to Africa or England.  I keep waiting on God to force me to speak to the people I pass as I walk through life.  I keep on waiting, waiting, waiting.  Guess what is happening while I am waiting?  You got it.  I'm missing opportunities.  My waiting is not an act of patience.  It is an act of selfishness.  It is an act of fear.

God has really opened up my eyes lately to see that I am perpetually in an opportunity.  Everywhere I go, everything I say is an opportunity.  I can choose to share His love through my words and actions or I can sit back and watch the broken world keep on breaking. 

In Mark 6:37, Jesus had compassion on the five thousand.  Rather than letting the five thousand go find food as the disciples had suggested, Jesus told his disciples, "You give them something to eat." Jesus could have fed the five thousand without saying a word to his disciples, but he wanted them to partake in his plans. 

Jesus says the same thing to us.  You give them something to eat. You tell them about me.  You go.

If I Die, Will You Write Something About Me?

Seven years ago today, my best friend, Caroline Hartrampf, took her last breaths and stepped into eternity.  I never thought I would experience the death of my best friend so early in life, but when I look back on our times together, I'm not so sure Caroline was as unprepared for the end of her life as I was.  It's strange because Caroline was not suffering from an illness or a disease.  She didn't even have the slightest trace of a cold or allergy problem when she left this earth.  But still, somehow, Caroline seemed to know her time was limited, and she lived the limited time with an unparalleled passion for her Heavenly Father.

Caroline once asked me, "If I die, will you write something about me?"  I always thought that was a weird question coming from a perfectly healthy eighteen-year-old, but now, I see the greater purpose in it.  Caroline's story is not just Caroline's story.  Her request for me to write about her has been so much more than me simply putting words down onto paper because the words I have written are not really about her, and they're not really about me.  They're about God.  They show how mighty and perfectly orchestrated His plans are.  Let me explain.

Earlier in the year of Caroline's death, I had considered moving home from the University of Alabama.  My older brother was struggling through some life choices, and I wanted to be there for my family.  Caroline begged me not to leave her.  Her parents were going through a divorce, and she felt that similar desire to return home and be there for her family, but she felt like God had a bigger plan for her than simply returning home.  Caroline felt that way about me too.  She didn't want me to run away from the place where God had placed me, looking for some other purpose than the one He had right before me.  It only took one serious conversation with Caroline for me to agree with her.  I knew she was right.  God had me where He wanted me so I stayed at UA.  In my mind, that meant Caroline and I would have three and a half more years in Tuscaloosa, AL to glorify God and do His kingdom work together.  I was ecstatic.

Naturally, Caroline and I, being the best friends that we were, decided to sign up for all of the same classes.  At that point in time, I was pursuing dentistry.  I wanted to be like my retired granddad and my aunt.  I'm not really sure what Caroline wanted to be.  She wasn't really sure either.  Well, I take that back.  Caroline wanted be married more than anything.  But in the waiting process, she didn't so much care what classes she took or what major she settled on.  Caroline knew that she had a bigger purpose than that.  She was sold out to God.  She cared about one thing and one thing alone: glorifying God with her whole life in each and every moment.

I remember sitting by Caroline during a sermon one time.  The sermon discussed the present.  The speaker talked about how we so desperately yearn for the future when God has given us the present to live out His love, to be His hands and feet and to do His kingdom work.  He went on to tell a story about a lady in a restaurant.  A waitress.  This waitress was absolutely miserable.  She seemed to hate her job and everything about it, including the people who sat at her table.  Well, this speaker decided that this waitress was just as important in the Kingdom of God as he was.  She wasn't just a waitress with a bad attitude.  She was a woman who was broken, just like the rest of us.  So the speaker waited in a long line every single day of his vacation to sit at this woman's table so that he could shine a little light in her life.  By the end of the speaker's vacation, the woman's spirits had lifted, and she was a new woman entirely.  Had the speaker been too focused on his future, he would have missed the opportunity in each day of his vacation to see that woman for something more than a waitress with a bad attitude.  Sadly then, that woman would have never been able to separate her identity from what it was as a waitress with a bad attitude.

In closing, the speaker asked us to pray for an opportunity to live out our faith in the present.  He encouraged us to not get caught up in what our futures would hold because in all honesty none of us our guaranteed that future.  We only have that present moment.  We only have the present day.  Sure, it's important to work towards future goals, but when those future goals consume all that we are and cause us to miss the moment that we're in, that's when we have a problem.  That's when we miss the doors that are open right in front of us.  I prayed that I would not miss that opportunity, and in that moment, a face came to my mind.  It was clearer than any face I've ever seen.  There was no denying to whom that face belonged.

When the prayer was over, I turned to Caroline, and I said, "We have to make the Smoothie Lady smile."  Caroline looked at me.  As a great big smile crept across her face, she said, "I was thinking the same thing."  You may be wondering who this Smoothie Lady was, so let me fill you in.  At UA, there is a place called the Ferguson Center (UA students refer to it as "the Ferg") where you can eat at a variety of restaurants and socialize with your friends.  It's like a college version of a mall food court.  Well, at the Ferg, there was a Smoothie King, and there was a lady, the Smoothie Lady, who worked at Smoothie King.  The Smoothie Lady was the saddest, gloomiest, most depressing looking lady I have ever seen in my entire life.  I used to order smoothies just to tell her that I hoped she had a good day, and her response time and time again was a simple nod with the same sad, gloomy, depressing expression that she'd worn every other day.

Caroline and I knew that we were up for a challenge.  I mean, how do you make someone smile when you're nice to them every single day, and they don't respond at all?  There's not bitterness or hatred there.  There's apathy, and that's something so much harder to overcome than the worst bitterness or hatred.

If you must know, Caroline and I were a duo of weirdos so our plan to make the Smoothie Lady smile came a little more quickly than we had intended.  We were eating lunch, and it hit us.  We'd sing and dance for her.  In the middle of the campus food court, two girls who knew nothing about singing or dancing planned to sing and dance for the purpose of a smile.  The funny thing was Caroline and I never doubted our ideas once we'd come up with them.  We simply knew what we were supposed to do, and no matter how weird or uncomfortable it seemed, we were confident that God had a purpose for us that far surpassed that momentary awkwardness.  So we carried out our plans.  We lived in the moment.

Already laughing, we walked up to the Smoothie Lady.  We asked for her name, which just so happened to be Natasha, and we asked her what her favorite song was.  Natasha didn't know what song was her favorite, but we had her attention right there.  The sad, gloomy, depressing expression faded away the moment we stepped past the surface level attempt to brighten her day and actually tried to get to know her.  She wasn't just the Smoothie Lady.  She had a name.  She was Natasha.  Her life wasn't about serving us smoothies.  It had a purpose just like ours.  The moment we saw that, we burst into song.  Caroline and I sang Chris Brown's "With You," complete with our own made up hand motions.  The entire Ferg watched as we made fools of ourselves, but we didn't care.  We didn't care because Natasha didn't smile.  She laughed.  And I'm not talking a simple sympathetic chuckle.  I'm talking a full body laugh.

From that day on, Natasha remembered us.  Every time we walked into the Ferg, she smiled.  Caroline and I were never so excited about another single moment of our friendship.  We knew with all of our hearts that God had a plan for us in that present moment, and it went beyond making a lady smile or laugh.  We were sharing God's love with someone who could've been a perfect stranger our whole lives.  The gospel was our heart's cry, and we didn't need a fancy degree or a life planned out on paper to share that story.  We shared it as we were - two imperfect friends with no idea what the future was going to bring.

I think it was about a week before Caroline's death when we decided to give Natasha the copy of The Purpose Driven Life that I'd just finished reading.  That was the last time either of us ever saw Natasha, and that was one of the last few times I ever saw Caroline.  You see, Caroline's story is the greatest story of friendship that I know.  It's not because she was perfect.  It's not because her life was void of mistakes.  It's not even because she had it all together.  Caroline's story is the greatest story of friendship that I know because Caroline lived out the gospel with every breath of her life while she still had the opportunity to do so.  She knew she wasn't strong enough or good enough on her own, and she was okay with that.  She let God shine through her in such a way that people are still touched by her life seven years after her death.  You see, living in the present moment for Caroline was not just the present moment.  It was her whole future, too.  

Caroline was more than a best friend to me; she was my sister-in-Christ.  A real sister, too.  One with whom I could be vulnerable and honest.  One who loved me despite my failures and mistakes.  One who taught me to love God more than anything that this world has to offer.  One who taught me that the present is the greatest moment that we have because it may be all that we have.  Caroline's friendship forever changed me.  It made me see God in a whole new way.  It made me see people in a whole new way.  I am forever grateful that God allowed for our paths to cross in the short time that they did.

A Perfectly Imperfect Fairy Tale

A fairy tale is not a fairy tale because it is perfect.  A fairy tale is a fairy tale because it transforms imperfections into the kind of magic we call love.  And there's only one way that can happen - with God.  So, here's my fairy tale, imperfections and all.  To God be all the glory.

Once in a lifetime, you meet someone who changes your life in a single glance.  That someone for me was Joel, and that glance happened on New Year's Eve, 2013.  I liked Joel the moment I first saw him - the moment he lit my sparkler.  I would have never admitted it at the time, always having been my own personal love story's greatest critic.  But it's true.  There was something about Joel that I liked right away.  Something that made my heart smile before I even really knew him.

I remember standing around the fire with friends, freezing cold and wondering if Joel had a girlfriend.  My heart actually skipped a beat when he said something about an ex-girlfriend of his.  If he was bringing up an ex-girlfriend, he had to be single, right?

New Year's Day I added Joel on Facebook.  Of course, I added his sister and his sister's boyfriend (among other people) to be a little more conspicuous.  I can remember how excited I was when he accepted my friend request.  A real middle school-like emotional high.  But, that high only got higher when he started liking my Facebook statuses.  I even went so far as to show my mom his profile picture, telling her about the "cool, funny, nice, good looking, perfect" guy I had just met.

Joel and I started talking through Facebook messages, and then one day, he asked for my phone number.  Not long after that, we went on our first unofficial date.  Hiking.  I think I knew Joel was a keeper when he asked me if I wanted some trail mix.  I said no, and he said, "I think you would really like this kind."  I agreed to try the trail mix, and he pulled a baggy out of his backpack with a mixture of Froot Loops and Goldfish.  For those of you who don't know, that is my absolute favorite snack (and I'd only ever mentioned it in passing)!

As the weeks went by, I would take coffee to Joel and sit with him in between his college engineering classes.  Joel sent flowers to me, and he wrote me one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read to this very day.  Everything seemed to be going so perfectly.  I mean, how often in real life does the man of your dreams walk out of your dreams and into your life?

Around that time, I stopped talking to Joel.  I'm talking absolute silence - no responses to his texts and no answers for his phone calls.  I ignored him 100%.  Crazy. right?  And the reason for that?  Well, I couldn't tell him.  After all, how do you tell your perfect person that you're not perfect?  How do you tell him that you have a past that is currently invading your present?  That you have made mistakes, and they have come back to haunt you?

Joel refused to let me have the easy way out with my silence.  He showed up at my house and waited across the street in his car until I finished my run.  At the time, I didn't realize that he'd already talked to my parents and that they had told him I was outside running.  In my mind, all I could think was that I'd come across a real life stalker.  (I probably watch too many scary movies.)  That night, Joel asked me if I wanted to go on a real date with him, and I said no.  After all, at this point, I was fully convinced that my stalker theory was correct.  Mainly that theory was a cover up for the fact that I was deathly afraid that Joel would turn out to be a jerk hiding behind a nice guy mask, and if he really was the nice guy, I was deathly afraid that I wasn't worthy of his love.

Time passed, and I realized that Joel wasn't really a stalker.  He really was the nice guy I had met on New Year's Eve.  I also realized that I owed him a big apology and not just the kind of apology that says, "I'm sorry I thought you were a stalker."  I'm talking the kind of apology that says there's a lot more to my story than what I've let on, and you need to know my full story, as uncomfortable as it is for me to share, to understand why I gave you the cold shoulder.  I think it took me at least four months to muster up the courage to give a real apology with full details.  I'll never forget Joel's response: "I've really missed you.  No hard feelings."

Joel and I dated for several months.  He ended up taking a job that caused him to work every weekend, and I ended up having ankle surgery on my right ankle (meaning I couldn't drive at all for six weeks).  Being a quality time kind of person, I quickly grew frustrated with our relationship.  It felt worse than a long distance relationship because we never got to see each other, and we lived in the same town.  I hit breaking point and broke up with Joel.  Of course, I regretted that decision the moment I carried it out.  I didn't want Joel out of my life.  I wanted him in my life more.

Apologizing a second time isn't so easy as apologizing a first time.  After all, it's hard for someone to fight for you when you're always running from them.  Apathy begins to take root.  And that's what happened to Joel.  I had pushed him out one too many times, and he wasn't eager to jump back into working things out.  In retrospect, I'm quite thankful Joel didn't accept me so readily because God used that time to grow my heart for Him.  I gained a burning desire for missions, and I signed up for a mission trip out of the country - a mission trip to Costa Rica.

Despite the apathy in our relationship (or whatever it was that we were), Joel and I still hung out 24/7.  I prayed for weeks that God would reveal to me whether or not Joel was the one for me.  It wasn't that I was desperate to have Joel in my life.  I just didn't want to be consumed by something that was not in God's will for my life.  New Year's Eve 2014 (the one year anniversary of the day Joel and I first met) was coming around, and I prayed that God would use that day to give me my answer.  I asked God to make it simple so that I couldn't manipulate circumstances or meanings to my own liking.  I prayed that Joel would spend New Year's Eve with me (without me manipulating circumstances) if God wanted me to be patient and wait on Joel to get over his apathy.  If I didn't spend New Year's Eve with Joel, I would know that we didn't have a future together, and it was time for me to move on.

New Year's Eve rolled around.  Joel had plans with his friend, and I had plans with my friend.  I assumed that I had my answer.  It was time I closed that door and trust that God had another someone out there for me.  But, around 8:30, Joel sent me a snapchat saying that he was bored.  I asked why he wasn't at his friend's party, and he said that the party hadn't started yet.  I told Joel that my friend and I were going to grab some coffee before our party, and Joel decided to join us.  While we were having coffee, my friend invited Joel to the New Year's party we were going to, and Joel decided to come with us (despite the fact that he already had other New Year's plans).  And I knew that was my answer.  I was to be patient and wait.

The being patient and waiting process was incredibly hard for me.  But God used it for His glory.  One day after church, God placed on my heart a strong desire to tell Joel in person just how much he meant to me.  That was a really bold move for me because I really struggled sharing my true feelings, being so afraid of rejection.  My words weren't the magical fix I'd hoped for.  Joel appreciated what I had said, but he didn't want to pursue a relationship.  I remember getting in my car and saying, "God, why would you want me to say that if I was just going to get rejected?"  I remember even more what God said back to me, "Do you really love him?"  I thought for a moment.  "Of course I love him."  That's when it hit me.  I loved Joel because I wanted Joel to love me.  I didn't love Joel because I wanted him to grow and develop in his relationship with Christ.  I loved Joel selfishly, not sacrificially.  It wasn't love at all.  Not real love.

I made the decision at that moment to be Joel's friend.  I wanted to really love him.  Not for what I could take from the relationship.  Not even for what I could offer to the relationship.  I wanted to love him because I wanted to be a vessel of God's love in his life.  Believe me when I say all of that was a lot easier said than done.  My patience ran thin more times than I'd like to admit.  But in my heart, I knew Joel was the one for me.  Deep down, I felt a peace about it, and the more I prayed, the more at peace I felt.

I don't remember the exact moment when our friendship transformed back into a relationship.  It just kind of happened one day, but once our relationship was restored, I knew that my love for Joel was no longer about me.

Just when we were getting our relationship back on track, I left the country for Costa Rica.  In Costa Rica, I met a girl who was on staff with YWAM at the Guatemalan base.  She asked me how I'd heard about YWAM, and I told her that I had heard of it through my best friend who was on staff at the base in Costa Rica (this just so happens to be the same friend who invited Joel to the New Year's Eve party) and through my boyfriend who had done a DTS with YWAM in Belize with his outreach in Guatemala.  The girl asked me what my boyfriend's name was, and when I told her she couldn't believe she was meeting me.

Apparently Joel and this girl were friends when Joel was on his outreach, and they'd had a conversation about future relationships.  Joel had told the girl that he wanted to be devoted to God and not worry about dating, and the girl's response had been, "Whatever girl you end up with is going to be one lucky girl."

My time in Costa Rica made me realize two things: one, I wanted to follow God with my whole heart for my whole life, and two, I wanted my adventures with God to include Joel.  I was not at all ready to leave Costa Rica when the end of the month came, but Joel helped me to adjust back to Alabama life.  He encouraged me to see the mission field in the here and now - the mission field that I'm a part of every day of my life.  That is when I started praying every day that God would show us how we could do His kingdom work hand-in-hand.

That prayer was answered when my former students started coming to church.  With Joel's help, it was easier for me to get my male students plugged in; whereas, my focus on my own had been on getting my female students plugged in (simply because males need male leadership and females need female leadership to grow).  Seeing Joel with my students made me love him all the more.  There's just something so special about seeing the man you love surrounded by the kids you love.

At the beginning of this month (October), Joel took me to his home state (Oregon).  I was so excited to meet all of his old friends.  Not to mention, we had plans to stay a couple of nights with a best friend of mine from my time in Costa Rica, who just so happens to be from Oregon and just so happens to have a brother-in-law who does worship with one of Joel's friends from college.  Crazy, I know.

Well, on this trip, Joel and I went backpacking with his cousin and her husband.  Underneath a waterfall (he chose the location because I like fantasy novels and have a very vivid imagination), Joel got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  Of course, I said yes.

I could not be more excited for the lifetime of adventures to come for Joel and me.  I know that God has amazing things in store for the two of us, and even if the road isn't always easy, I know it will end with a beautiful story - a fairy tale that glorifies God and reveals His perfect orchestration in the midst of our insanely imperfect lives.

He's Gone - The Loss of a Hero

I was in the 7th grade when my hero passed away.  I remember sitting in my history class that year, 2001, and watching the Twin Towers collapse before my very eyes.  I remember thinking how horrific it must've been to be a part of that, but even more so, how heart-wrenching it would be to lose a loved one so suddenly.  With no warning or preparation.  Just a simple one minute they're there, and the next, they're gone forever.

Little did I know, that heart-wrenching feeling was one I'd come to know all too soon.  On September 30, 2001, my hero breathed his last breath.  There was no warning and no preparation.  Frenchy (the only name by which I ever knew my uncle Jean-Marc Plante) was out playing street hockey with his friends, and he had a heart attack.  He was 30 years old.  Much too young to die.  Much too young to be gone from this earth.

I remember the moment I heard the news.  My grandma told me two simple words: "He's gone."  At first those two words didn't make sense to me.  Gone?  Where did he go?  Did he get to leave the hospital?  Then, it hit me.  Those two simple words were not so simple.  They were the two of the most loaded words I would ever hear in my life.  And with those words, my whole world, everything I'd ever known, collapsed.  In my 7th grade mind, I feared that I, too, might be dying of a heart attack.  I remember trying to swallow back the knots that kept forming in my throat and trying not to cry because I wanted to be strong for everyone else.

Frenchy was more than an uncle to me.  He was my friend.  My big brother.  My favorite person to hang out with.  He was always taking me somewhere fun - rollerblading around the neighborhood, ice skating, out to lunch, the list goes on.  Frenchy had even promised me that he would take me rollerblading on Halloween because then we could get double the candy.  Though we never got to do that, I know that Frenchy's impact on my life did not stop at his death.

Frenchy's death set off a chain reaction in my life that ultimately led me into becoming the person I am today.  When Frenchy died, two things happened.  One, I realized that Frenchy was the kind of person I wanted to be - someone who walked about this life always making others smile and always making others feel loved.  Two, I realized that writing was more than a hobby for me.  Writing was something that was as crucial to my life as breathing, and whatever it was about writing that was so important to me, I would make it my life's ambition to find and tell that story.

At age 12, I set out to write my first book.  I called it Seventeen in honor of my uncle's hockey number.  In the book, I planned to tell my life's story (more so for my ability to overcome tragedies and hardships than to actually share my story with others).  I worked on the book for years.  Each year, I added a new chapter with new life events - the good ones, the bad ones, the ugly ones.  By college, I had reached seventeen chapters, and I'd found myself at a stopping point.

My best friend in college, Caroline, stumbled across my writing one day.  We were probably supposed to be doing homework, but you know how college kids are, as unproductive in terms of homework as they come.  But, Caroline read my story about Frenchy, and she said this to me: "If I die, will you write something about me?"  I didn't realize it at the time, but those words would become as loaded as the two words: "He's gone."

For today, though, with it being the 14th anniversary of his death, my focus is on Frenchy so I will stop my story here - the place where my story all began.

Jesus Calms the Storm

I found all of my old blog entries that I thought I had lost so I will be posting them a few at a time to add a little flavor and some past experiences to this blog.  The following story is true.

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39-40

Amid the stories of tragedy and despair regarding the tornadoes of April 27, 2011, I would like to share a different kind of story - a story, well, nothing short of a miracle. This is a story of one who lost nothing and gained everything.

My anatomy lab final was scheduled to fall right in the midst of the Tuscaloosa tornado. I checked my email at least 20 times that afternoon, hoping for some form of notification about lab. Honestly, I had my fingers crossed that lab wouldn't be cancelled. Nerdy, I know. But I knew the lab material (or memorized it), and I didn't want to re-study everything.

A notification didn't come, not before I had to leave for lab anyways. My parking permit requires me to park in the farthest possible lot from campus. Since the weather was threatening, my parents told me to ignore the restrictions on parking and park as close to my class as possible. Did I listen? No. Looking back, I'm not sure if my disobedience was more to save my parents the expense of a parking ticket or if I simply didn't believe a tornado would really come.

By the time I made it to the bus stop (a parking lot's distance from my car), I began to regret my disobedience. The sky was a shade of gray I'd never seen, and the wind was strong enough to knock me over. I debated walking back to my car, but the bus arrived. The bus dropped me off right in front of the lab building. I made my trek to the second floor, secretly glad I hadn't added a parking ticket to my parents bills.

The lab TA arrived early, allowing those of us in the hallway to begin the test. I hadn't answered many questions when the building's alarms sounded. All students in the building were required to sit against the wall on the first floor. Students began complaining and crying. A worker brought out a radio, shouted that a death had been accounted for, and the crying grew worse.

After a while, students were given the choice to leave. There was an hour break in the tornadoes. A girl from my lab, who I'd never spoken to until that day, asked if I could give her a ride to her apartment. I nervously agreed. We walked at a near sprint, backpacks beating us in the spine with every step. The time was ticking.

Somehow, a group of people in a car recognized the girl from my lab. They offered us a ride to my car. I felt relieved, knowing we'd shaved off several minutes. We flung our belongings into my car and raced in the direction of her apartment (the opposite direction as mine). By this point, I'd determined that I wasn't going to make it home before the next tornado hit, but if I could get the girl from lab home, that would have to be good enough.

When we neared her apartments, she offered to walk a little to give me a little extra time. I set off toward my apartment, praying twenty minutes was ample time to get me home. If I'm being honest, I was more worried about my three-year-old West Highland Terrier than myself. If the next tornado was to hit my apartment, I wanted to be there with him.

I took a different route to my apartment than usual. The routes I knew were blocked with fallen trees. At a church I'd never seen in my life, I was told to get out of my car and walk. Shakily, I pulled the key out of the ignition and grabbed my phone. So many people were texting me that my inbox was overflowing. My battery was blinking. I looked up from my phone to something I hadn't noticed at first - complete and total destruction. I recognized nothing. I recognized no one. Climbing over rubble, fallen power lines, and tree branches, I heard a man shout, "Fifteen minutes until the next one hits. Find shelter immediately."

To my left, an elderly couple was bawling, arm-in-arm. I'll never forget the look on their faces. A herd of people rushed by me, making their way to the church. Their homes were gone. Their possessions lost.

"Jesus calms the stom. Jesus calms the storm. Jesus calms the storm." That was all I could think - all I could remember. I'd read that verse the previous night. I knew it was true, but like the disciples, I was still afraid - so afraid. It didn't seem possible for me to survive the situation. The next tornado was due in less than ten minutes, following the same path, and all around me was rubble. I sent out a few texts, hoping the people in my life would realize just how much they meant to me. I didn't want to miss the opportunity to say goodbye. Before the last of the messages could send, my phone went black.

Just then, I looked up and saw four college students. They told me to join them. Their house was down the road, and it was one of few that remained standing. I didn't know the four, but when one of the girls told me her name was Caroline (the name of my best friend who was killed in a car accident two years ago), I knew it was safe to follow. I knew God had provided me with a way. I entered their house, and Jesus did exactly what he promised he could do. He calmed the storm. The next round of tornadoes never came. I sat in the company of complete strangers completely awed by the power of my God.

That night, around midnight, I made it back to my apartment. It was a miracle I made it home alive. Not only was there the danger of the tornado looming over me, but also the danger of being a girl alone on the streets at night. God was watching over me. I came out of the tornado unscratched, but changed. I don't follow some ordinary God. I follow the God who heals the blind, who moves mountains and who calms the storm.

Three times in my life I have prayed that God would break my heart for what breaks His. Three times He has answered my prayer. In every broken heart, He has drawn me closer to Him. Through the heart breaks, I have gained an intimate relationship with Him. If it takes brokenness, to bring me in line with His will then it is brokenness I must take.

I lost nothing in the tornado but selfishness and pride. What did I gain? I got a glimpse into God's mighty power. I learned what it means for His people to come together in love and spirit. I learned what it means for Him to be the only constant in this everchanging life.

My heart goes out to those who lost their homes and loved ones. I pray that everyone affected by the tornadoes sees the power of God in the circumstances, never giving up hope for all things truly do work for the good of those who love Him.

For My Students

I've found that the longer I teach, the more I love my students.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't mean by that statement that I love my current students more than I love my former students.  I also don't mean by that statement that I love my actual students more than the students who have talked to me so often that they may as well have been my students.  What I mean is that the longer I am around students, the more special the sum total of all my students becomes to me.  The longer I am around students, the bigger my heart grows.

Let me be more specific.  Over the past two years, I have been blessed to come across the most extraordinary people on the planet earth.  I realize that is a bold statement, but I know it's true.  I have met students with burdens much too large for their age and stature.  I have met students with hearts twice the size of their whole bodies.  I have met students who have changed my life.

This entry is for my students.  The ones who think they have it all together.  The ones who know they don't.  The ones who refuse to ask for help in the middle of their troubles.  The ones who are begging to be heard.  The ones who want nothing more than a shoulder to lean on.  The ones who want to be that shoulder to lean on.  The ones with ambitions greater than make sense.  The ones who haven't yet made sense of their ambitions.  The loud ones.  The quiet ones.  The goofy ones.  The serious ones.  The happy ones.  The sad ones.  The hopeful ones.  The hopeless ones.  

Here's what I have to say to all of you (current, former, future students): You are important.  You are special.  You have a place in this world whether the world wants you to believe that or not.  You don't have to be any skinnier, bigger, funnier, cooler, smarter, older, taller, shorter.  You're you, and that's enough.  You're enough.  You have the power to change lives, and I can say that with confidence because you have changed mine.  If you've walked through the doors of my classroom, I am talking to you.  Yes, you.  The one who believes me right now and the one who doesn't.  Because here's the thing.  I believe in you.  With all of my heart, I believe in you. 

Questioning My Faith

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to really have faith in God.  I mean, yeah sure, I go about my day claiming that I believe in God, but do I actually put my full trust in Him?  Would I really follow Him anywhere, even if it didn't make sense to me (or anyone else for that matter)?  Or, does my faith really rest in me?  Is my whole life dictated by what I can and cannot do, completely void of my Father's power working in me?

As much as I hate to admit it, I think too often my faith does rest in me.  I'll do what God wants me to do so long as it's simple or easy - maybe even if it's challenging but only if it fits right in with my tiny little bit of human understanding.  Then, once I've done whatever it is that God has called me to do, I seem to only want to manipulate the circumstances to get what I want out of it as quickly and easily as possible when I know good and well that God's timing is exponentially greater than my own.  Besides, all that manipulating and all that self-absorption is exhausting.  Especially when my source of strength comes from the Lord, not me.

So, I've set out to stop trusting in me and to start walking in faith.  Real faith.  I'm chasing after God, and He is leading me into places I never thought I'd go.  More and more, I'm starting to see that my life is a series of orchestrations - orchestrations straight from God.  Many would say that they're mere coincidences, but I believe otherwise.  God is too great, too powerful, too sovereign for mere coincidences.  The more I let go of my life and stop placing my faith in me, the more I see these orchestrations taking place, and the more I see the dots of my life aligning into this breathtaking thing called life abundant.  When my faith shifts from me to Him, I don't have to be so OCD about life because I know the details are all taken care of.  No matter how many millions and billions of people are in this world, I know that my God doesn't forget a single detail of my life.  And here I've been, all this time, putting my faith in me - the one who can hardly even remember what she had for breakfast this morning.  Crazy, huh?

I know one thing for sure: Life's an adventure when you decide to go all in with God.  It's not always easy to jump into the unknown with both feet, but it's a lot more exciting to let God carry you once you've made the jump than to keep both feet firmly planted to the ground.  That adventurous life with God - the one in which my faith resides wholly in Him - that's the life I'm after.  I want to be able to say, "YES!" to every single thing that God asks of me, never thinking twice about whether or not I am capable of it.  Never thinking twice about whether or not I am equipped for it.  You see, God is so much greater than me, and I don't have to rely on my own capabilities or my own equipping.  All I have to do is say, "YES!" to God and know that in Him, all things are possible.