God's Not Dead

It's unbelievable how God works to connect all the dots in our lives.  It's not always clear what He's doing, but then, there's that moment where everything just seems to make sense.  However fleeting that moment of clarity is, it's there, and God consumes you: heart, mind, soul, and spirit.  And in that moment, He reveals to you the most special thing in the whole world - Himself.

As you already know (considering the name of my blog), this is my first year of teaching.  What you may not know is I never in my wildest dream foresaw teaching in my life's plan.  And by never, I mean never.  But, God threw me for a loop, I chased after Him, and here I am now, closer to the end of year one than the beginning of it.

The moment I became a teacher I felt a peace surpassing my own understanding.  I knew, then, that I was where God wanted me.  To be honest, though, I didn't really understand why.  Why a teacher?  Why not something else?  How could I live for God in the educational realm, a place where so many people try to crush Him?

Don't get me wrong.  I know there are tons of teachers with a heart for the Lord.  I am oh so blessed to work with so many of them.  But, in general, I feel like education is crushing Christianity in this country.  You go to classes, and you hear His name bashed time and time again.  You hear how Christianity is nothing but a "myth."  You hear how Christianity is dominant culture's way of enslaving others.  You hear how Christianity is nothing more than a way of coping with death.  And, to top it off, you hear how you should never discuss Christianity with your students because you might brainwash them to believe in something that could actually change their lives.

So, all year long, I've been sitting here praying, "God, what am I supposed to do?  How do I make your name famous?  And how do I do that without offending anyone (because I want others to see You for Your great love, not a bitter form of Christianity)?"  There's been so much uncertainty.  Is walking the walk without expressing the words enough?  Is it even walking the walk if there are no words to follow?  Do others see my love and compassion as an outpouring of the Lord or as me trying to please mankind?

That last question really gets me.  I won't lie and say that the idol of man's approval does not sometimes stand in the way of me following God wholeheartedly.  I am a people pleaser to the extreme - so much so that I have struggled with basing my self worth on other's opinions of me.  That struggle has made me into an incredibly driven person.  (I mean, I run marathons for crying out loud.) But, that struggle has also prevented me from doing the work of the Lord at times. I've stayed home before (and not just on one occasion) simply because I have felt inadequate to be out in the world.  Sounds crazy, huh?  But, I can guarantee you I am not the only female who has felt that way.

I don't think a lot of people realize how destructive self-image and the idol of approval can be.  As for those who struggle with it, I don't think they realize that they're not alone in that struggle because it can be one of the most masked sins out there.  I have never been honest about my own struggle with insecurity.  I have always preferred for people to see me as someone who has it all figured out, even when I don't.  But, doing that, I have prevented myself from being used fully by God (who tends to work most strongly in our weaknesses).  And, I see that same struggle written in bold letters on the faces of so many youth, whether or not they admit it's there.  As technology advances and selfies litter newsfeeds, the struggle seems to only increase tenfold.  No one's as perfect as the seflies or popular profiles that they stare at for more hours than they would ever dare spend in the Word of God.  I would argue that insecurity is one of the most hidden and destructive sins (sometimes not even recognized as the sin it is) running rampant today.

Over the past week, God has taught me an infinite amount as I have had the pleasure of watching some of my students, as well as a certain youth who I consider my littler sister (even though she's taller than me), grow in Christ at a church retreat, and as I took a stone representing my most crippling sin (insecurity coupled with the idol of approval) and tossed it into the ocean.  Free at last. 

All that to say, as much as I loved teaching and cherished the kids in my classes earlier this year, I wasn't yet ready to let go of my own struggle to seek God in a way that the answers to my questions even mattered beyond a surface level.  I still don't have all the answers to my questions, but one thing I know for sure, His ways are good and His burden is light.  All that I can do is chase after Him with all that I am and keep on loving my students with every fiber of my being.  And, maybe that's all God wants me to know.  That one glimpse of clarity.  That one piece of understanding.  The truth that God can and will work in us despite our understanding of His plans.

Maybe you're like me, and you have questions of your own.  But, isn't it comforting to know that He has all the dots of our lives connected, even when we cannot see the lines?  God's Not Dead!